Put your elbows on the table, I will listen long as I am able

I was going to write a post about how one year ago, today, I was laying in the ICU after surgery to remove invasive carcinoma from my pancreas. How it changed me blah blah blah. But, then I reminded myself that cancer is not my story. Depression is not my story. Divorced parents is not my story. My story is a love story, the best one there ever was. It was a patient love as Jesus waited at the altar for me. He still waits ever time I run away because I am scared and silly and human. But he has never left.

For the past two days, I have been listening to “Born” by Over the Rhine on repeat. In the car, in the shower. Laying in my bed, mostly, since I didn’t have work. I have never hit play on a song so many times over and over and over. (You can ask Jess Gump) I don’t know, it’s heavy, but rich. It’s slow and sad-ISH. But it is not sad to me. It is real.

I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love, I'm gonna learn to love without fear
Pour me a glass of wine, Talk deep into the night, Who knows what we'll find
Intuition, deja vu, The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got, I don`t mind
Put your elbows on the table, I will listen long as I am able, There`s nowhere I`d rather be
Secret fears, the supernatural, Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me
We've seen the landfill rainbow,We`ve seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me
I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love, I'm gonna learn to love without fear

One of the first scriptures that pierced my heart after starting to crawl with Jesus was John 13. Humility. Jesus washing the diciples’ feet. I picture lots of things when I listen to this song for six minutes and fourteen seconds. And, even though it is "secular," I mostly picture how Jesus loves me. He always talks deep in the night with his elbows on the table.

In the song, you can’t really distinguish the of in between junkyard and love. So for a while, I thought it said junkyard love. And that is exactly what our love is. Yes, Jesus is the Glory of Glories. But he walks around the junkyard with me all the time. Because I am there. And he is with me. And that is life. This world is a junkyard. It is filled with Death and garbage that steals our tears but because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ, I can laugh through my tears. Really, joyously laugh. I can love. And he’s teaching me to love without fear.

He is just that intimate. To wander around a moonlit junkyard with each and every one of us. To wash every single one of our feet. That’s what he did on the cross.

This reverie of love that he’s given me these past few days listening to "Born" on repeat has been the sweetest of gifts as I begin fasting tomorrow for Chesapeake Young Life’s trip to Lake Champion and Oscar Smith High School’s first official time at camp! Crazy, crazy. I sat with my one of my very best friends Anna(lisa) Yong in front of my house. We prayed. (I love praying with her, and praying in general J). We prayed big and bold and lovely things. That we would surrender every part of who we are and what we want to I AM. To Yahweh. To Abba. To our Savior. To our Best Friend. 

Two years ago, Anna and I became friends and sisters and continued on this wonderful race together at Lake Champrion. We got serious about what is means to give it all up. So tonight as we prayed and talked about how far. He’s taken us both since those canoes in Glen Spey. Though cancer and heart break and fear and depression.  Through joy and laughter and victories and love. From the bottom of the pits to the tops of the peaks, I started crying. I never in a million years think I would be getting to lead girls from Oscar Smith at Lake Champion. The place where I first got serious about running hard after people. To get to sit next to them as they hear the Gospel for the first time. To see them go from death to life. My dear friend reminded a few of us that it is not our concern who ends up at Young Life camp and what happens in their hearts there; it is all God. But man are we blessed to get on those big charter buses at 12:30 am and ride along. I started crying in the car; these girls get a chance to experience the most beautiful love that their Jesus has given to them. It doesn’t matter that their dad has been in jail their whole life or they barely have enough money to eat or whatever else they think is their story but is not. Because this coming week at camp, they get a glimpse at what their real story has been about their whole lives. They get to know the junkyard love, and to that I say, amen.