"Naked As We Came"

I walked into the Carr family kitchen. A special Sheville with women in many different stages of life gathered to break bread and share life. We sat and reflected on the past year as Iron Wine played at the perfect volume for background music to be playing. Like a movie, the sauntering of Sam Beam’s voice matched my very exhausted state. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. When asked about anything, my response, “it’s, well, really, hard, honestly.”

We moved to the very same patio on which I sat talking about the man I had only just begun to fall in love with 3 years ago. As others spoke, I couldn’t help but drift in and out of a bitter-sweet nostalgia. Walking with the Lord has brought me to my knees time and again, especially since last June.  This year has taken many tears from me. But, as we sat, and talked, and were honest with each other about our failures and fears and victories and joys, I was reminded, again, of the man with whom my hope rests.

In another post, I will delve deeper into what I’m about to touch upon. But, my exhausted state, tonight, was merely a physical symptom of my spiritual state. I’ve recently been diagnosed with depression. As I’ve been going to the pits-deep, scary, impossible pits- I am utterly compelled by one idea: hope. Nothing in this world will ever, ever be enough. Will ever, ever bring me life. Maybe some futile, pseudo-life. But not what my soul knows and longs for. I believe that, while depression may well be a physical manifestation, it is just that: a manifestation of my soul desperately yearning for another world. The trials of this year have changed me. Cancer, failure, depression. They have cracked open the dome of my protected little world, and flushed heaven in with no restraint. Amidst all these labeled prescriptions, one name has supplanted the rest. It is the name of my abiding Identity, the master Prescriber. I know what hope is and I have been called to ring in the king as we await his return. Oh what a glorious day that will be. I have called thee Abba, Father. I have stayed my heart on thee.

"He made my mouth like a sharp sword; in the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me a polished arrow; in his quiver he hid me away." [Isaiah 49:2]

What I am listening to:

"High and Dry" -Radiohead

"Green Arrow" -Yo La Tengo

"And It Stoned Me" -Van Morrison

Also, watch this video and revel in the grandeur of my papa!