Joy!

I was extremely naive going into this surgery. About how much it would hurt and how long it would take to heal. And yesterday learned that I am "opioid naive," as well. Basically, I had a really bad trip off all the drugs they've been putting into my system. I was panting with fear and on the verge of tears as I asked my doctors if I was going to live. They all looked at me like I was off my rocker; I essentially was. It was a bit embarrassing, in retrospect, but a nice walk around the ward calmed me down. As I was settling back down, my good friend came to visit me. Before leaving, he prayed over me with a subtle urgency. His demeanor made me aware of what I was learning.

Jesus is it. He is everything. He is the center of every variable tangent our courses hold. He is seldom never all we have but He is always all we ever need. I've had a lot of time to think in between all the needles and med students and I've been shown some big things. I've felt some big things is a more appropriate way of saying it. Going to church all my life, I've understood in my head that Jesus is the source of any joy I have but I've never truly known that with my heart. I definitely thought I did. I wouldn't say that I ever found joy in shallow things like money or material possessions, but I wouldn't say that I've ever solely found it in Jesus either. Every night, I thanked God that I could run and play and jump and move and just do. Do things with my friends, do things by myself, depression finds me at home with nowhere to go. I revolve my life around being out all day and night, occupying my mind. This is the faulty plaster I have been using to fill the hole in my heart that only the eternal joy of Christ can.

I do not think this sickness is in any way a punishment or reprimanding on God's part. Only the gift of feeling joy without secular happiness. I have been set free from the tenuous contentment of this world. And surely again will I be able to run and play and jump and move, but I am now being granted the experience of what joy is. The joy of incorruptible love. The joy of conquering death. The joy of our blessed Savior.

What I am listening to:
"Old Man" -Neil Young
"A Message To You Rudy" -The Specials

"Indeed, You are our glory and joy." 1 Thessalonians 2:20