Gut Check

Today, my surgeon drew two diagrams on the waxy paper that covers doctor’s office beds. One depicted what my insides look like now, and the other depicted what they will look like after removing the mass. I can’t lie, I had to hold back tears. It was the first time I did not wear a confident smile while at the hospital. The first time I didn’t speak with the assurance of something bigger than myself. The first time I was scared. I could only manage to nod my head as my eyes widened. It reminded me of what the girl from the Fourth Kind must have endured while being probed by aliens. In all honesty, the garish imagery the doctor used to describe this extensive procedure wanted to make me throw up. For the first time since this all started, I, Anna, was not strong enough to handle it. Gut check number one: From where do I draw my strength?

After I was told the invasive logistics of my surgery, I was taken to a nurse who unleashed a barrage of paperwork upon me. In the midst of signing here and initialing there, the sweet nurse brought up a living will. An advance directive standard for surgical operations in case a decision needs to be made when I am not of the mind to make it. “Most 18 year olds don’t have to worry about this sort of thing,” she added sympathetically. Here, any facade of internal calmness I had managed to project had vanished. The fear that I had experienced only moments ago had now turned into anger. I was able to maintain a degree of decorum for my surroundings but I was pissed. This was the first time I allowed myself to be angry at the fact that I was being forced to deal with this. That what was supposed to be the best summer of my life before starting college was being taken from me. Any idea of a good time, for me, includes some sort of physical activity and the outdoors, hiking, swimming in the ocean, playing sports, etc., all things that I won’t be able to do at full speed until at least September. Gut check number two: From what do I find my joy?

The last place I went before leaving the hospital was the anesthetics area. I walked into the office of an awkward doctor told about the anesthesia that they would use throughout the course of the eight hour surgery. He talked about multiple IVs and gases and even a catheter in my back(ew). I had regained my solemn demeanor just as the doctor cracked a joke about old people who wake up from anesthesia. I was surprised to find myself laughing like everything was totally fine. “Have a good weekend,” he said, “and don’t worry about the stuff that’s going to happen here.” I was shocked at how shocking that was to hear. I was shocked that doctor had succeeded in making me laugh. I was shocked that it was okay to not be consumed by such a serious situation. Gut check number three: What grants me peace in difficulty?

After my appointment, a friend told me to read Daniel 4 about Nebuchadnezzar’s prophetic dream. When the dream came true and he lost all his kingdom, Nebuchadnezzar “praised the Most High” for restoring his sanity. For giving him consciousness of What really was.

The answer to the previous three questions is Jesus. However, I often go along my Christian way finding happiness and contentment in what I do and what I have. I read my bible every night to fulfill my “Christian duties.” I never allow myself to be totally wrecked and taken by the power of the Cross because in my privileged, comfortable life, I have never been forced to. I know there are much, much worse things that could happen to me, but this situation in which I feel totally helpless is teaching me more about what life with Jesus is than years of “following Jesus” by today’s standards. It is teaching me that discipleship is much more than going to a bible study or singing in church. With faith in trying times, I am not called to live in fear of anything. I am not forced to be angry at life. I am not subject to tempests and turbulence. No, we are promised, in these times, a Rock on which to find foundation. We are given the chance to revel in Something much higher than ourselves.

What I am listening to:

"Lovely Day" -Bill Withers

"River City Lights" -Griffin House

"Now, I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of Heaven, because everything He does is right and all His ways are just." Daniel 4:37