Crazy Perfect

Today was really hard. I did fun things and spent time my favorite people but in each quiet moment, I was beset with dread. Mostly dread of the pain that the doctors said is inevitable. “We’ll give you morphine, but you will have bad days and you will have bad nights.” This scares me because I know I am a huge wimp. I am a coward when it comes to premeditated discomfort. I think I consciously inflict more pain on myself than is actually real when I know about it beforehand. I am also fettered with the dread of not being able to do much of anything for a while. At my friend's bonfire, I skipped from a group of boys throwing around a flaming tennis ball to go jump on a slack line as I realized I won’t be able to do that for a while. Or kick the soccer ball around with my friends, or jump off my young life leader’s dock, or go on a roller coaster. The impatient and fiery teenager inside of me keeps asking why this has to happen. I am healthy. I do not deserve this! But why not? God’s will is perfect and my petulance does not change that. Who He is surmounts all doubt.

This concept of faith has been on my mind for a while. A few weeks ago, I was feeling distanced from His Love because I was questioning what was real. I felt too guilty to be in His presence and I experienced again what it was like to not allow Jesus into my heart. But to my desperate and thankful surprise, this current health situation has worked to realize my faith. Sure, I have doubt and fear in all of this. But it’s like I’m just raising my eyebrows at Jesus, ‘I don’t know what crazy plans you have,’ Crazy perfect. I think people feel like doubt is a huge taboo in Christianity. But doubt is a natural facet of our humanity. 

During the period when I was confused and questioning Who God is, I felt guilty for allowing anything to eclipse my faith. That guilt turned into separation between me and my Creator. But a very wise friend of mine told me something along the lines of, “That’s okay, pursue questions, but hold on. Hold on to what is in your heart. You’ll be happy you did.” And as I continue learning, I am so happy I did. That is the beauty of faith; that it is found in the doubt. That faith is by faith, not by sight. It is a most valuable gift possessed by the willing-hearted. And as I walk through something too difficult to handle myself, I am thankful that God is so very full of grace. I am thankful that God loves all of us “of little faith.”

What I am listening to:

"Mary Jane's Last Dance" -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

"Tenuousness" -Andrew Bird 

"He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20