This time is very strange for me. I cannot currently regulate my emotions (Bipolar I Disorder), and while usually I have a cocktail of psychoactive drugs that lessen the sometimes crippling effects of this deficiency, I asked my doctor if we could lessen the amount of medicines that I'm on. We compromised and he cut the dosage of my Effexor in half (I was at the highest dose possible). The day I began my new regimen, I cried a lot...for no reason. As the days wore on (I believe I'm on day five but nothing appears quite calculable in this irrational season), it only got worse. My two worst symptoms? Mood swings and lethargy. Unfortunate is the man or woman that has crossed me, unfortunate am I if I think of anything remotely sad, and unfortunate is the person who tries to have a conversation with me because I may very well fall asleep.
Right now, I don't live by time; I live by pathos. I can only determine space by what I am feeling. Quite irrational indeed.
In my moments of coherence, I ask the Lord why he has afflicted me with a disorder that has prevented so much in my life. I don't ever get an answer, but I figure the squeaky wheel gets the oil, right?
But perhaps there is a reason for this irrational season, for this season of feeling completely bonkers out of control. There is a passage in The Heavenly Life that reads: "Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unknown capacities for suffering and service... Sorrow is God's tool to plow the depths of the soul, that it may yield a richer harvest... God never uses anyone to a great degree until he breaks the person completely... It takes sorrow to expand and deepen the soul." Hope, yet!
Maybe my five years of Arabic study have not been for naught! Maybe, through this irrational season, God is preparing me for some form of service among the Arab peoples: a service which I've dreamt of for six years. Maybe this irrational season is no waste at all!
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