"Future Days" (You Came Deep As Any Ocean)

I'm sitting here at 5am listening to "Future Days" by Eddie Vedder on repeat. I'm wearing my favorite hat-the purple one with the hot pink flower..my second mom Mrs. Amy got it for me in the Sea-Tac airport after she noticed that I just had to have it. I can see the array of purple flowers my sweet dad bought me after I was praying in my room and wanted a symbol of the royalty of Christ (the color purple). I'd been praying against persisting sleep paralysis and nightmares and all of a sudden just knew I needed purple flowers.

Anyways, I'm also writing this from my new computer; I'd had the last one for 8 years prior to this so my fingers are just getting used to the different spacing of keys. I had a green case on the other one that I bought at the VT bookstore.. I wrote most of my blog posts on that computer. Kinda bittersweet.

Last night I also listened to this song on repeat and cried myself to sleep. I do that a lot when I think about the cancer... watch or listen to things over and over again. I guess if I can control it, I want stability. Because when you're told you have cancer, all autonomy goes out the window. I'm reminded during my now only yearly PET scan. I'm reminded when I have to take tums just to drink a glass of water and not puke it up (yeah, Whipple surgeries are no fucking joke).

Cancer will always be a part of my story. Pain, immense pain, will always be part of my story. But, irrevocably, so will God. Gosh, I just started crying again, what a wimp lol.

As I listen to "Future Days", I always imagine Jesus and I taking turns singing the appropriate parts. Here are the lyrics:

"If I ever were to lose you
I'd surely lose myself
Everything I have found here
I've not found by myself
Try and sometimes you'll succeed
To make this man of me
All of my stolen missing parts
I've no need for anymore

I believe
And I believe 'cause I can see
Our future days
Days of you and me

Back when I was feeling broken
I focused on a prayer
You came deep as the ocean
It's something something out there here
All the complexities and games
No one wins, but somehow, they still play
All the missing crooked hearts
They may die, but in us they live on

I believe
And I believe 'cause I can see
Our future days
Days of you and me

When hurricanes and cyclones rage
When wind turned dirt to dust
When floods they came or tides they raised ever
Closer became us

All the promises at sundown
I meant them like the rest
All the demons used to come around
I'm grateful now they've left"

My favorite line to sing to Jesus is this one, "Back when I was feeling broken / I focused on a prayer / You came deep as any ocean".

He is truly the one my heart desires and through cancer, through pain, and I have found him.

Perhaps he's writing a new song over your journey through the exilic land of hurt. Maybe you could let him.

Much love,

Anna