The last few episodes of season three of This Is Us dealt with Jack and his
little brother Nicky’s PTSD from events in Vietnam. Silent tears rolled down my
face. ‘I understand,’ I thought. The scenes resonated deeply with me and I had
no idea why; I had never seen war. But maybe I have.
Today, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD. I can’t say I
was shocked. These last six years and particularly year and a half have been
the most painful, confusing, and scary years of my life. Since I heard the
words from a genteel middle-aged doctor, “You have cancer.” One silent tear
rolled down my face as my mom sobbed in the corner. I texted my three best
friends at the time, Anna, Daytona, and Danielle. “What does a ‘mass in your
pancreas’ mean?” Danielle asked. I didn’t yet know, but I would soon find out.
Surgery and recovery were brutal, and I’m not being
dramatic. But over the course of the last six years, I would find myself having
frequent flashbacks to the worst nights in the hospital and nightmares that my
stomach was still cut wide open.
It got worse a year and a half ago: anxiety reared its ugly
head. I couldn’t leave my bed for weeks except to see my boyfriend (for some
reason, I could always get out of bed to see my boyfriend, I still don’t know
how). I barely ate, I had panic attacks complete with hyperventilation.
Flashbacks and paranoia. I haven’t functioned right for a long time.
While I later cried over this diagnosis—another hurdle to
jump over—I also felt awash with a strange sense of relief. I finally have an
answer for the past six years of hell. Like death in reverse makes sense.1
I am still going to take my medications prescribed predominantly
for Bipolar but they would be what I would get for PTSD anyways. I am working hard
to find the right counselor to work through these traumas with.
If you think of me, say a prayer that I find healing and
wholeness and can finally move on from my time with cancer and find life
abundant. There’s lots of life for me to live and I want to live if fully.
To Him be the glory,
Amen.
1. listen to JMM's song Death In Reverse
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