I never thought I would write about this publicly but it
seems to be a topic that is under-talked about. Over the summer of 2018 and on
and off throughout 2019, I have struggled with the demon of alcoholism.
I guess you could say it started with my diagnosis of
Bipolar I back in 2014. Bipolar patients are likely to have a comorbid
substance abuse problem.
It started in the spring of 2018: I had maybe had one
budlight before that; alcohol just didn’t have that much of an appeal to me.
But then the place to hang out with my friends, even Christian ones (not that
I’m blaming anyone), became bars. I
began to experiment with what types of alcohol I liked and didn’t like.
Soon, I took my drinking private. With my mental illness of
bipolar making it hard to hold down a job or do anything consistently and the
depressive side of the illness giving me hypersomnia, I’d wake up at around
10am everyday and go to the local Food Lion and buy a six pack of Blue Moon and
drink it the rest of the day before going on a Tinder date and getting blackout
drunk at night due to the meds I am on. I still don’t remember half of that
summer. Now, you might be saying, it’s just Blue Moon, a 5% beer, and people my
age are supposed to go out and have fun, but I tell you, in all seriousness,
that I couldn’t function without alcohol. It interrupted my daily tasks and
made me feel morally deplorable. My dad (whom I live with) had no idea because
I hid the bottles in my room and took them to the garbage outside myself. I
felt awful.
I was mixing the WORST medications with alcohol and
absolutely did not care about the consequences. I thank God every day that
nothing horrible happened, except for the alcoholism itself, that I had enough
presence of mind not to drive while under the influence.
But eventually I grew tired of being dependent on a
substance not prescribed by a doctor and went to my psychiatrist. I was
brutally honest with him and he prescribed daily doses of Klonopin to combat
the anxiety that he suspected was lurking beneath my alcoholism. The day I
started my 3x daily doses of the medicine, I quit drinking completely. It was a
miracle. I didn’t need it anymore. I slowly began to have just one drink at
social events and had my drinking under control.
But around the winter time of 2018-2019 I became severely depressed,
not being able to get over the pain of having had cancer and I turned to the
bottle again. I also had horrible nightmares almost every night for a month
before I realized that a glass of wine fixed it. But soon one glass turned into
three nightly.
Today, I am two days sober and not planning on quitting my
battle against alcohol-use. I just returned from Lifeway (Christian bookstore)
with two books on overcoming addictions. I didn’t feel any shame telling the
employee who helped me find the books that they were for me when she asked. I
will not surrender for less than Jesus paid for.1
Some people think that since I got through cancer I’m
somehow immune to struggling with anything for the rest of my life. But I’m in
the fight of my life and would absolutely be thrilled if you would pray for me.
I called my sweet friend, Alyssa, today when I was feeling anxious and thinking
about the bottle of wine downstairs. She told me to go to starbucks instead
(the girl knows me well haha).
I will leave you with one of my life verses that I pray
desperately through tears at night. It comes from the book of Isaiah, the 26th
chapter, the 3rd verse in the English Standard Version. “You will
keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in
you” (Isaiah 26:3).
If you struggle with substance abuse, you are not alone.
There are resources and there are Christians (and non-Christians) who would be
honored to help you through your dark night of the soul. There are mental
health professionals and rehab facilities. Below are links to Alcohols
Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
1 adapted from the song “Generous Portion” by
Rosemary Skaggs
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