I walked into the Carr family kitchen. A special Sheville
with women in many different stages of life gathered to break bread and share
life. We sat and reflected on the past year as Iron Wine played at the perfect
volume for background music to be playing. Like a movie, the sauntering of Sam
Beam’s voice matched my very exhausted state. Spiritually, emotionally,
physically. When asked about anything, my response, “it’s, well, really, hard,
honestly.”
We moved to the very same patio on which I sat talking about
the man I had only just begun to fall in love with 3 years ago. As others
spoke, I couldn’t help but drift in and out of a bitter-sweet nostalgia.
Walking with the Lord has brought me to my knees time and again, especially
since last June. This year has taken
many tears from me. But, as we sat, and talked, and were honest with each other
about our failures and fears and victories and joys, I was reminded, again, of the
man with whom my hope rests.
In another post, I will delve deeper into what I’m
about to touch upon. But, my exhausted state, tonight, was merely a physical
symptom of my spiritual state. I’ve recently been diagnosed with depression. As
I’ve been going to the pits-deep, scary, impossible pits- I am utterly
compelled by one idea: hope. Nothing in this world will ever, ever be enough.
Will ever, ever bring me life. Maybe some futile, pseudo-life. But not what my
soul knows and longs for. I believe that, while depression may well be a
physical manifestation, it is just that: a manifestation of my soul desperately
yearning for another world. The trials of this year have changed me. Cancer, failure, depression. They have cracked open the dome of my protected little world, and flushed heaven in with no restraint. Amidst all these labeled prescriptions, one name has supplanted the rest. It is the name of my abiding Identity, the master Prescriber. I know what hope is and I have been called to ring in the king as we await his
return. Oh what a glorious day that will be. I have called thee Abba, Father. I have stayed my heart on thee.
"He made my mouth like a sharp sword; in the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me a polished arrow; in his quiver he hid me away." [Isaiah 49:2]
What I am listening to:
"High and Dry" -Radiohead
"Green Arrow" -Yo La Tengo
"And It Stoned Me" -Van Morrison
Also, watch this video and revel in the grandeur of my papa!
