In 2015, I was a fiery little evangelist. I talked to anyone
and everyone about Jesus. I would see a picture of someone that id never met,
feel lead to go to old navy and find that very person to talk to. I would
prophesy over anyone who would let me. I saw miracles and breakthrough. I felt
God speaking to me to dwell in the realm of the impossible. It was a great
season of harvest. But then, it wasn’t.
I was hit with the most severe depression and psychosis I’d
ever faced. There was a horrible voice in my head telling me to kill myself. It
screamed at me. As I sat on my floor, I felt the tender yet strong voice of God
tell me to get up. Every day was a fight just to go to class or events for
ministry, just to get out of bed. And there was one song that I played over and
over in that season. It’s a version of “King of My Heart” sung live by Steffany
Gretzinger. (Boy, is that song anointed.) I remember stomping around my
apartment all by myself declaring the goodness of God. I would cry and yell and
do whatever I had to proclaim what I knew to be true to an atmosphere that was
threatening to take my life.
Things didn’t get better immediately. There would be months
of therapy, pills, a short stay at a psych ward. I had a lymphoma scare and
thought I would lose my life to metastasized cancer. No matter how I reacted to
my circumstances, he didn’t change. He always had a hand on me.
It’s been a year since that trying season. Things haven’t
been perfect, but I’m the healthiest I’ve been in years. I’ve been telling my
friends in awe, “I feel the presence of God again. He’s speaking to me.” I have
experienced personal revival especially in the past two weeks.
I think as a charismatic/Pentecostal Christian, I have
overcompensated for the fear of relying too much on “feelings” in my faith by
staying away from fanaticism, but can I tell you, feeling the presence of God
is unlike anything you will ever experience. I feel so thankful that I have
been reawakened to his presence. My lover.
A prayer I have been praying is for the Lord to take me
deeper than he did in 2015. I don’t want the same; I want more! More revival!
More of his presence, plain and simple.
Tonight, I went to Big House (shout out to an incredible
church!). In the beautiful chapel, with light streaming through the
stained-glass windows, we sang “King of My Heart”. My heart came alight as I
sang the line “you are good” to a good God. I realized that I am no longer in a
season of death and despair. What Satan tried to take from me, namely, my life,
he could not. God wouldn’t let him. God taught me how to fight and the greatest
strategy, the one that got me through, was to declare his goodness. Gritty
worship to a God that sticks with us through the junkyards of life.
One of my other favorite worship songs is “Lily’s
Song(Praise the Lord)” by Kristene Dimarco (really the entire Mighty album). A
line (taken from Psalm 118:17) she sings declares, “I will not die; I will
live, and tell of the works of the Lord.” I scream that line every time.
Because no matter how many times Satan has tried to take my life, I have lived
by the grace of God. I will tell of his works all the days of my life.
I sang tonight, full of a joy that for once I actually
fought for. Normally, God just graces me with joy in the midst of sorrow. But
this time he taught me how to fight and the result is so much sweeter. I can
look back, now above the tree-line, and see how far I’ve come up the mountain.
I have a history with God and a story to tell. I'm not stopping now.
Find the Steffany Gretzinger version of "King of My Heart" here
Find Kristene Dimarco's "Lily's Song(Praise the Lord)" here
Psalm 118:17 (NASB) "I will not die, but live, and tell of the works of the LORD."
