***This post was NOT edited for grammatical correctness. Or
even to sound good. Sorry. This is my brain plopped on paper.
This summer I started having night sweats, sporadically.
Somethimes worse than others. Which NEVER happens to me. I just tucked it away
in my little notes folder on my iphone. Don’t worry, im not a hypochondriac. I
just always go blank when my doctors ask me my symptoms. I tuck them away and
then tell them to my oncologist every six months. No biggie. So anyways when I
came home from Portland, I had a bad sinus and ear infection. I also felt
horrible. Like barely get out of bed for a week bad. So I went to my primary
care (shout out patient first) and the lady said all my lymph nodes were
swollen. She told me I needed to see my oncologist, like,now. I said I had an
appt on the 14th of December (it was now end of nov.) she said I
needed to get in sooner. A little panic. Then she said to go thru the er if I
had to. I asked if i was being dramatic for coming in and she said no. she
said, after all the things she’d checked and knowing my history, malignance
could be the cause. Just fyi, doctors don’t say that all willy nilly. They only
do if they really have to. So, a bit of panic. But this will all just be a big
misunderstanding and ill soar thru it with flying faith colors like all the
other times.
So get appt for that Monday. My original onc is back from
asia (military hospital, you know). She feels them all says they’re swollen but
also that im super skinny. She gets some blood work done and gets a chest xray.
“it could be lymphoma” she says. Not dramatically. Just there. And she keeps my
regular 6 mos appt to get abdominal mri that happened to fall on the 6th
of December. So we get all the things done. Talk to insurance people. Long day
at the hospital. I’m waiting by a young wife whose husband is getting xrayed
and biopsied for cancer. She’s all teary, her world seems to be coming apart
before her eyes (literally. They were wheeling him back and forth in front of
us. To xray, to biopsy. Etc.) I catch eyes with him. He had this beautiful
radiant confidence. I used to have that with all this. But now im just tired.
Go home. Put on my parka and uggs and big winter scarf and curl up in bed. (all
that bc im really cold). Wait on call wait on call wait on call. Still feel
horrible physically, but less so. And I was taking heart because no news is
good news in the medical world. If there was something seriously wrong I would
have been back in that hospital by that night. But still, wanted to get the all
clear.
Doc finally calls. She doesn’t want to move forward with biopsy. She says scans clear.
But that I do have mono. (I already had it, but yeah, cause it’s a virus you can get it again).
So im here. Im still in pain (less). And I try to be strong, but can I tell you something?
Im not. Im not strong or brave. God is. Im not. And this whole ordeal showed me that I really
am scared that the cancer will come back. And ive read case studies on this type of carcinoma.
(again, not a hypochondriac, just curious about what grew inside of me for months and months)
its not good when it comes back. Anyways, I am scared. I cant be whipped back and forth like
this. I feel like my life gets torn at the seams from all the spinning. But I read an interesting take
on the word “compels/controls/constraineth” in 2 cor. 5:14… “For the love of Christ controls us,
because we have concluded this: that one died for all, therefore all have died…” I have always read this and studied this in terms of being moved and compelled by the love of God to serve and live out a godly life. But Kelly Minter wrote this phrase about it… “sense the love of jesus constraining you, actually holding you together” and then the Deuteronomy 33:27 everlasting arms have kept coming up… “The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. And he thrust out the enemy before you and said, ‘Destroy.’” I went to chatbible to study the word translated at control (ESV) in 2 cor. 5:14. One of the translations for the greek word sunecho is this: “1) to hold together 1a) any whole, lest it fall to pieces or something fall away from it.” I don’t want to take this scripture out of context. Im no theologian nor am I an expert on biblical greek. But for a moment, I needed to see this picture. My life seemingly spinning out of control but God not letting one piece of me fall away. I don’t know. Cool water flowed over me. Through me. It will be okay. Im still in pain, and perhaps this fear will loom over me the rest of my life. And I wont ignore it, and I wont deny that it scares me. But I will rest. The everlasting arms aren’t going anywhere.
